Best regards fair weathered friend

Oh Christmas time,  the time of the year where people are supposed to be happy and spend time with the people they love, but for me it happens to be the saddest time of year. Most people, when looking in from the outside, would think I have nothing to be down about.  Mostly because I do a decent job of portraying a person with little confliction within, but it simply isn't the case. I do have much to be thankful for and I am grateful for what I have bit this is the time of year when I'm forced to be alone with myself. Not in a literal sense, because I will be with family, but I feel a disconnect with my family and don't really fit in. If they knew the person I truly was I would never live down the judgement of their hypocritical Christian beliefs. I have spiritual beliefs and lifestyle differences that they could not except if I did disclose everything to my blood family. That really is a story for a different time though. It is because of this disconnect that I feel such great discomfort when I'm around a big group of family members. That's half of it or less maybe, the rest is something within me that I must have a hard time with.  The few people who actually have an understanding of who I actually am, the people I have grown to love more than my own blood, the person I yearn to be with, is nowhere to be found during holidays. I do everything in life for her actually, she will never even know that I am still and always will be in love with her. It's been about nine years since I met her and five years since I began to fall in love with her  and just two years ago that I told her how I felt, one year since we last spent any real quality time together. Year after year though I have given her my all and gone out of my way time age time to try and make her happy and be there for her at the drop of a phone call any time day or night. I have a but sold my soul to do everything I could to try to win her heart. As they say, even the best laid plans can go astray, though I didn't plan everything I do or have done for her. Whatever, what ever, I think I have mental illness. It is like a sickness. Like someone who is healthy until one day they become schizophrenic or bipolar because of some traumatic event or series of traumatic events that happen or something to that matter, maybe drugs or maybe congenital. That's what this feels like. I have heard that when you fall in love, it changes you and you'll never be the same again afterwards.
It always feels like nothing will ever be right again . I may have times of happiness but I feel like I'll never feel truly complete again. The well always be this hole, something dear is missing, a part of my soul, my essence. The holidays only emphasize that gap and make life a little, sometimes very difficult. I know for a fact that no high of any drug can even come close to the feeling of true love but just as a good high from a group gives you a come-down the come - down  from a broken heart and that feeling of true love is also the worst imaginable pain. I started this before Christmas and now it's over, thankfully, and I have  a slight sense of relief but there always seems to be this dark cloud hovering near by.  I keep telling myself over day in going to change this  one day never comes. Shit changes now! That has to be the only way. I have to cut ties and burn some bridges. It's time to be selfish for a  change in my life. I need to become successful and have much love and self respect for myself and I can't do that if I continue to bend over backwards and do whatever anyone I care about wants me to..
  I deserve to be happy one day and what in doing isn't working