Drama queen

I am such a girl some days. Days like these I have this feeling like I eat to cry, all day long, but I don't. Every once in a while my lip will quiver and I'll frown and start to make a face like I'm ready to start but they've in bite my lip and try to think of something nice, usually another person that makes me feel good. Days like today are the worst because I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know what the problem is,  I think it's a lot of problems that all stack and make life seem unbearable at times, and today happen to be one of those times. It's actually an accomplishment to write this today because I ordinarily shut out the entire world when I feel like this. The vast world of the Internet, full of people who could care less about me is still a step forward to the typical recluse that I can be when my life is in disarray.  Tomorrow is a new day and it's just one day at a time, tomorrow is almost always better than today, when today is bad, partially because it's new and full of surprises and partly because it's an opportunity to look at a new day with new eyes and a different perspective than the day before. Every day is a learning experience and the next day is opportunity, so I look to tomorrow but I love for today. Good night cruel and beautiful world.

I want to believe so badly that I am loved

A Simple Genuine Smile

A Simple smile from someone who has been under the weather or sick or maybe even something as severe as cancer can really make a difference in the way we perforce things to be. A genuine smile can tell you is going to be OK or I really appreciate this, or even I love you or thank you . It made my day today to make someone I care about dearly smile and actually be happier than before just by going the extra mile. So, the next time smiles at you sincerely, be grateful that you were able to have that sort of impact on another living soul.  We all deserve compassion therefore we all  must give as much love and compassion to those around us, even our pets and loved ones pets. End

Melancholy creeping is way in through the shadows in the cracks

I have struggled with some tough emotional times and triumphed, likewise I went through some spiritual struggles as well and both have made me a stronger and better person but in every instance that I was crushed and humbled to the point where I was certain my spirit had been broken, but I persevered and became a better and stronger person. None of that foresight makes it any easier going into a new and unknown situation where one knows dire straights lie ahead and truly life changing things can and will occur, fear with courage is a good moxie because it keeps us on edge and the underlying primal instinct of self perseverance keeps us "safe" , at least as safe as one can be in certain dangerous situations.  Best of luck to all my warriors out there struggling to managing. Keep your head up. Blessing and may peace find your weary souls.

Let down

Hi Feeling like a let down to the people you care about most is never a good feeling especially when it causes that person pain. I guess in a way is just a mechanism to keep from letting people down to often. Some people don't have feelings of guilt very often. Sometimes though, even when I try my hardest, I fail the person I try so hard to please and it makes me see myself as a failure and I start analyzing my life and all of my other failures. I want to be able to trade places with the ones I love when they are in pain without relief. If someone I loved deeply was diagnosed with cancer and I could take it away from them to spare then the agony I would do it in a heart beat. There are only about 6, maybe 7 people I would do this for and 2 of them aren't blood related but they are my family.  I love them with all of my heart and I will continue to love all of them unconditionally. I hate hurting people but specifically the people I love.  I feel as though the last few years have been the hardest of my life yet but sometimes I feel like the worst has yet to come. Also the people you care about the most don't always care about you the most in return. For me there is no lesson except don't get people's hopes up if you're just going to let then down. Guilt is a strong feeling and it will eat you alive if you let it it.

The Meddling Agencies

Things seem like they will only get worse as fast as the tyranny of our own American government overtakes the civil liberties once so taken for granted, now lined for more than ever. Disgust is really the only way to put the way I'm feeling right now about the opposition of our government against its people. From  illegal activities such as unlawful search and seizure through the leaked top secret NSA spying programs, to the prohibition of cannabis, to the presence of our military in places they do not belong, to the central banking system being run by private bankers to many many other things, some of which would seem inconceivable to you and I. There is an underlying sense of fear as I write this under my own name because I know partially of what these monsters are capable of. I used to have this recurring nightmare / dream where I would be walking down the sidewalk and when I would turn the corner around this building a van, sometimes white, and sometimes black would pull up next to me and put a bag over my head and put me in the van and close the door as they would drive off really fast.  I always woke up after that. My point is that I have been afraid of our government for a long time and that is just not the way it is supposed to be. Thomas Jefferson said some things about that I believe and don't quote me but he said something like,  no American should fear the government, it is the government who should fear the people. I'm not sure actually if that's what he said but that was the idea of our founding forefathers. Treasonous and unconstitutional acts  committed against America or it's people should not go unpunished.  It is important to be educated and never to stop learning of the truths and lies being fed to you or for what you seek for that matter. Misinformation is everywhere and the truth is often mixed with lies to make it more difficult for the masses to figure out. Then, unfortunately, some people like me get labeled as conspiracy theorist, and made to look crazy. True conspiracy theorist make themselves look crazy all in there own most of the time but what is a theorist anyways? Someone who comes up with their own ideas of conspiracies? I think that's crazy anyways, but it doesn't take a PhD to put the pieces together of certain puzzles that unfold themselves through multiple different stories of many different outlets to reveal what being the curtain of the stage these people are performing on.

Twists of life

It's crazy how fast things can get twisted up in your life, sometimes at the drop of a phone call things can change as you know it. For better or worse it changes the person you once were and even the person you had hoped to become. Life turns plans upside down on their head almost inevitably. But plans must be made and plans must be changed according to life's own plan for us regardless of if we know that plan or not. Most all,  if no one,  will not know the paths we are intended to walk until the time has come and we are faced with decisions and or information that changes our essence of being. The paradigm shift, the changing of one's entire way of thinking usually due to psychic or spiritual transformation or a realization of a corrupt belief system that is no longer relevant to you or your way of life any longer  but this radical change in thinking can also be brought on in other ways, mainly, news of something devastating such as a death or a divorce,  a breakup or learning you have cancer, It changes you as a person. Sometimes in a heartbeat it will change you and sometimes it may take years. One of the things my grandpa always used to say was "the only constant is change, it's the only thing you can be sure of".  It's something I heard more than a few times and it has stock with me because it is one truth I hold more evident than any other. The next truth I hold evident is that there is no guarantee of how long any one person will be in your life, ANY one person, meaning of you love someone make sure they know and cherish every moment you have with the people you care about and then, even the ones you don't. You can learn a ton.  Thanks for reading, if you made it this far please like.. 

A Poem For My Crush

Hair bun

In not sure if I'm just weird or if maybe this is normal and there are others like me who really think it's sexy for girls to have their pretty hair up in a bun on top of their head. Hair is kind of a big deal for me but when a cute girl with nice hair puts it up in a messy bun, it is really hot. So either I'm weird or there are other guys who feel the same way,  but no matter, I can't really just change the things that I like.

Overhaul

It might seem as though my blog is pretty bare at the moment but I am working on it. I didn't like any of what I had here previous to 2014 so I started anew as part of a new years resolution. I am aware that most people who make resolutions for the new year, statistically speaking, fail. I didn't go in to the new year thinking any of these things though and now that I have already started rearranging my life as well as this and my other outlets of internet publishing. I am aware also that there aren't too many people who will stumble across this so called blog of mine, so I will write about what is real to me and what I am passionate about. unfortunately I have court in less than two weeks for an aggravated DUI that I was arrested for back in May of 2013. I wasn't drinking or on any illicit drugs but I am not really at will to talk about it at the moment. Another time, but I mention it due to the possibility that I could be missing some time on this particular outlet but I will always be writing so long as I have a way to record my thoughts. For now, so long fair weathered friends.

I seriously love this Website!!!

Listia Is the Joint Ya'll

How do you break up with your best friend

If anyone has any ideas on how to tell a close friend /best friend, who isn't anymore, that you are moving on without them? My particular situation is that I am in love with this person but she takes me for granted and takes advantage of me but we haven't even hung out in over a year. She still calls me and text me but only when she needs something.. It hurts my feelings but I love her and don't want to hurt her.  Any ideas, please?

Other people's special day

There really isn't a holiday during the year that I would say I really consider all that much worth celebrating . It isn't an actual holiday for the world, or Country , or even any state or city for that matter.  It is a person's birthday, not my own, someone who used to be my best friend like I didn't know friends could exist. Now it is a painful day of sorrow for me, a distant memory of someone who says more important to me than life itself. I would give anything to be able to be the one she wanted to spend her special days with but I never have been, never will be. She was my friend, then my best friend, then I fell in love with her, then she drifted away and fell in love with someone else. I have been stuck and lost ever since she (what I feel like) abandoned my life.  I have constantly tried to rebuild who I once was without avail. Today is her birthday and it brings me as much sadness to be without her today as it did on any other holiday that you are supposed to spend with your loved ones.   I wish I didn't love her. It's a wretched curse to be in love with someone who cares not about you.

A touch of Tempe beauty

Not a lot of this can be considered beautiful in Tempe since the take over by corporations of the mom and pop shops that used to be the backbone of downtown Tempe's society along with of course  ASU. the fact is there are nice, pretty, artistic things to see in Tempe still, those things just aren't as abundant.  Here are some fun pics I took

I'm going to say something

I'm going to say something that might be kind of hard to hear.
You aren't a very good friend to me and I fell taken advantage of. It hurts my feelings because I care about you deeply.

Best regards fair weathered friend

Oh Christmas time,  the time of the year where people are supposed to be happy and spend time with the people they love, but for me it happens to be the saddest time of year. Most people, when looking in from the outside, would think I have nothing to be down about.  Mostly because I do a decent job of portraying a person with little confliction within, but it simply isn't the case. I do have much to be thankful for and I am grateful for what I have bit this is the time of year when I'm forced to be alone with myself. Not in a literal sense, because I will be with family, but I feel a disconnect with my family and don't really fit in. If they knew the person I truly was I would never live down the judgement of their hypocritical Christian beliefs. I have spiritual beliefs and lifestyle differences that they could not except if I did disclose everything to my blood family. That really is a story for a different time though. It is because of this disconnect that I feel such great discomfort when I'm around a big group of family members. That's half of it or less maybe, the rest is something within me that I must have a hard time with.  The few people who actually have an understanding of who I actually am, the people I have grown to love more than my own blood, the person I yearn to be with, is nowhere to be found during holidays. I do everything in life for her actually, she will never even know that I am still and always will be in love with her. It's been about nine years since I met her and five years since I began to fall in love with her  and just two years ago that I told her how I felt, one year since we last spent any real quality time together. Year after year though I have given her my all and gone out of my way time age time to try and make her happy and be there for her at the drop of a phone call any time day or night. I have a but sold my soul to do everything I could to try to win her heart. As they say, even the best laid plans can go astray, though I didn't plan everything I do or have done for her. Whatever, what ever, I think I have mental illness. It is like a sickness. Like someone who is healthy until one day they become schizophrenic or bipolar because of some traumatic event or series of traumatic events that happen or something to that matter, maybe drugs or maybe congenital. That's what this feels like. I have heard that when you fall in love, it changes you and you'll never be the same again afterwards.
It always feels like nothing will ever be right again . I may have times of happiness but I feel like I'll never feel truly complete again. The well always be this hole, something dear is missing, a part of my soul, my essence. The holidays only emphasize that gap and make life a little, sometimes very difficult. I know for a fact that no high of any drug can even come close to the feeling of true love but just as a good high from a group gives you a come-down the come - down  from a broken heart and that feeling of true love is also the worst imaginable pain. I started this before Christmas and now it's over, thankfully, and I have  a slight sense of relief but there always seems to be this dark cloud hovering near by.  I keep telling myself over day in going to change this  one day never comes. Shit changes now! That has to be the only way. I have to cut ties and burn some bridges. It's time to be selfish for a  change in my life. I need to become successful and have much love and self respect for myself and I can't do that if I continue to bend over backwards and do whatever anyone I care about wants me to..
  I deserve to be happy one day and what in doing isn't working

WTFBDSM

Hi Seriously, what the fuck is up with people being so into bondage and submission. I honestly think that people who are into that sort of thing are deranged in a way. They must've had some kind of abuse in their lives prior to the fantasy of being dominated and treated like a slave sex animal. I have tried to read a fiction book about bdsm but was unable to make it through the first major story of submission and bondage. It was appalling to me that there are these two extremes of people that find each other and both are content with their sexual roles together; one the dominator and one the domineer. I am interested in learning more about the psyche behind the minds of each role, but for now my questions will remain. My only hope is that questions like these will never consume all of my thoughts and undertake me. I personally believe that the people who participate in bdsm have some mental ailments, but then again who doesn't have something eating away at their subconscious mind, most unaware that they even have a problems brewing upstairs at all. I came upon something, somewhere, that had the contents of bdsm pictures of various women bonded in leather, most who more than likely enjoyed the positions they were in.  A requirement in bondage is that one person be the slave and the other be the master. Or, in some cases the master will have more than one slave and the slaves will usually call their master "sir" or "mam"  depending on the gender of the master.
  I honestly don't want to get into it any further, because I think it's quite an appalling subject, also because this has been a draft wasting space.