Drama queen

I am such a girl some days. Days like these I have this feeling like I eat to cry, all day long, but I don't. Every once in a while my lip will quiver and I'll frown and start to make a face like I'm ready to start but they've in bite my lip and try to think of something nice, usually another person that makes me feel good. Days like today are the worst because I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know what the problem is,  I think it's a lot of problems that all stack and make life seem unbearable at times, and today happen to be one of those times. It's actually an accomplishment to write this today because I ordinarily shut out the entire world when I feel like this. The vast world of the Internet, full of people who could care less about me is still a step forward to the typical recluse that I can be when my life is in disarray.  Tomorrow is a new day and it's just one day at a time, tomorrow is almost always better than today, when today is bad, partially because it's new and full of surprises and partly because it's an opportunity to look at a new day with new eyes and a different perspective than the day before. Every day is a learning experience and the next day is opportunity, so I look to tomorrow but I love for today. Good night cruel and beautiful world.

I want to believe so badly that I am loved

A Simple Genuine Smile

A Simple smile from someone who has been under the weather or sick or maybe even something as severe as cancer can really make a difference in the way we perforce things to be. A genuine smile can tell you is going to be OK or I really appreciate this, or even I love you or thank you . It made my day today to make someone I care about dearly smile and actually be happier than before just by going the extra mile. So, the next time smiles at you sincerely, be grateful that you were able to have that sort of impact on another living soul.  We all deserve compassion therefore we all  must give as much love and compassion to those around us, even our pets and loved ones pets. End

Melancholy creeping is way in through the shadows in the cracks

I have struggled with some tough emotional times and triumphed, likewise I went through some spiritual struggles as well and both have made me a stronger and better person but in every instance that I was crushed and humbled to the point where I was certain my spirit had been broken, but I persevered and became a better and stronger person. None of that foresight makes it any easier going into a new and unknown situation where one knows dire straights lie ahead and truly life changing things can and will occur, fear with courage is a good moxie because it keeps us on edge and the underlying primal instinct of self perseverance keeps us "safe" , at least as safe as one can be in certain dangerous situations.  Best of luck to all my warriors out there struggling to managing. Keep your head up. Blessing and may peace find your weary souls.

Let down

Hi Feeling like a let down to the people you care about most is never a good feeling especially when it causes that person pain. I guess in a way is just a mechanism to keep from letting people down to often. Some people don't have feelings of guilt very often. Sometimes though, even when I try my hardest, I fail the person I try so hard to please and it makes me see myself as a failure and I start analyzing my life and all of my other failures. I want to be able to trade places with the ones I love when they are in pain without relief. If someone I loved deeply was diagnosed with cancer and I could take it away from them to spare then the agony I would do it in a heart beat. There are only about 6, maybe 7 people I would do this for and 2 of them aren't blood related but they are my family.  I love them with all of my heart and I will continue to love all of them unconditionally. I hate hurting people but specifically the people I love.  I feel as though the last few years have been the hardest of my life yet but sometimes I feel like the worst has yet to come. Also the people you care about the most don't always care about you the most in return. For me there is no lesson except don't get people's hopes up if you're just going to let then down. Guilt is a strong feeling and it will eat you alive if you let it it.