Honestly I can't believe all these writings are still here although I am truly grateful that they all still are so that I have them to look back and reflect upon. It's been at least 10 years since the last time I have made an entry or written anything here and I thought I might as well start again because, man, a lot had happened and even more has changed as you so might imagine. Luckily this is the Internet and blogger doesn't seem to be going anywhere and if it does I'm confident I'll be given an opportunity to download any and all of my past writings. I spent the better part of the last twelve or thirteen years addicted to one form of opiate or another and before that a handful of other drugs at an attempt to run from an uncomfortable part of my past and a trove of what I thought to be unbearable emotional States of being. I got pretty good at running away through the use of drugs but no matter how "fast" I ran my problems always seemed to catch up to me which is why I've been trying, without too much success for any significant length of time, for the past seven of those thirteen years, to get sober. Previously I managed to get close to a year and before that just over a year with a lot of time in-between getting high.. fast forward to about 4 months ago and I think that maybe I finally just got tied enough of everything I had been unwillingly putting myself though. I know that, that seems to be an oxymoron of sorts but anyone who knows, or who has struggled with a life of addiction should know exactly what I mean. Wanting to stop living a self induced life of misery and despair but seemingly nothing you do can put a stop to that incomparable demoralization of everyday fuckery consistently crossing imaginary lines you'd promised yourself in what seems like a literal lifetime ago that you'd never cross or another life entirely because you cannot even remember the person you used to be. Although I've previously had more time than this sober in the past, something inherently different is occurring within my current transformation and new life of sobriety I'd never experienced before now and though it's difficult to properly put my finger on exactly what that is I'm beginning to postulate a theory on what it is based on what I've heard other's share on their own experience in their journeys of finding a new and meaningful life in sobriety. I believe, first and foremost, it is the cornerstone on why I wanted to get sober in the first place this time around which instead of being, like previous attempts, rooted in some form of another of external motivations such as to make my family happy, to get the girl, material possessions, etc, this time I seek a spiritual life, a want for inner peace and to love myself. There's more to it than that but overall that is the bases of my desire for a life free of slavery and the constant grind that is the life of addiction. I want to love myself, I want to be free to do things as I want and not be bound by drugs and or alcohol. Do I miss it? Sure, every so often I find myself glamorizing the idea of smoking some dope for the same of just letting go and forgetting for awhile but for me it comes at a cost greater than I am any longer willing to pay and I have enough experience trying over and over again to know that to be 100% fact. Thinking that I could go back to getting high again "but this time it'll just be every so often" or "just on the weekends". It's down right delusional of me to think like that because I have the personal experience and track record to look back upon and "see" it for myself. There are two days right now that are important to me and those are the day I got sober which is mother's Day 2024 and the other is today.. the day I got sober because I didn't ever want to forget what it was like and how I felt that day and today because it's the only day I truly have. I don't want to waste the only day I really have by throwing it away getting high hanging out with generally unsavory people I honestly don't care to be around for the most part when I could be doing something meaningful making genuine connections with the people I love and care for hopefully all the whole creating a legacy to remember by in a positive light unlike the legacy I'd previously been creating of a life of meaningless endeavors of crime and drug abuse.. I don't mean to be condescending or sound like I might be talking down to or about anyone who may so choose to party or do drugs, that is definitely not my intent.
